i love MGMT. its a new love. they seem to be able to ground me these past few days, when everything around me seems to be, well, chaotic. i suppose the real issue here is that i dont understand people sometimes. i do what i can to be the best that i can be, and its never fucking good enough. not for him, just like it isnt for my parents, or my highschool friends, or probably everyone i'm in constant contact with. i'm not naieve enough to think that this is a perfect world and that people are just going to love me for me, are going to understand all the intricate details of me, but its still upsetting when things go awry.
i dont mean to imply that i'm a great deal distressed at the moment. i am slightly, due to some decisions that i need to make fairly soon, for the health of my mind and body. but what i really hate here is how easily manipulated i can be sometimes. i am not down with manipulation. fuck it. and also, i just hate to hurt other people. and somehow, one way or another, i find myself in situations where i'm hurting people. fuck! i need a break from life, from cincinnati, from all of this.
but enough weirdly evasive ranting about something that no one will really understand unless they speak to me personally. i'm reading "blankets" right now, an illustrated novel by Craig Thompson. its beautiful. lovely story line that i can relate to. when i've finished reading it, i'll probably do a review or something. i feel like since i've been out of english classes my voabulary has decreased. i should write more. i think thats a fundamental reason why i started this stupid thing too. something to get me writting, expressing myself, blah blah blah. none of you care. there is no you. no one reads this. i feel stupid for talking to a nonexistant entity right now. :] but fuck it. eventually i'll make this public. not that there will be a huge following or anything. but like i said, fuck it.
i hope i get to work with cool people today.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
autumn
so i had inspiration today, as i was driving to the bank to deposit another check, i dont know why i just dont get direct deposit, to start a blog. i suppose its more for me than for some desire or need to be understood inside and out by all of my peers. i just feel like it might be healthy to physically collect all of my thoughts on a more regular basis then i have ever done before. and, in ten or twenty years, it might be nice to look back upon the thoughts and musings of an eighteen year old me.
school feels so easy right now; almost like a waste of time. i'm looking forward to winter quarter when things will be more challenging, and i'll feel more like a nursing student. i love that i'm actually in the program now. i've made friends. and for me thats a terribly exciting thing, friend making doesnt come very easily to me. i've never been able to explain it. but now, in the program, im in the same classes with all the other students, i see the same people in all of my classes. i'm stoked. i even have my own little posse now, if you can call it that. i feel included and a part of something bigger.
i also feel like i'm really coming into my own too. i'm working on moving out of my parents house (sweet!!!) and into my own space. i've always been a home body, finding stupid and mundane things to do around my house to prevent me from doing things out, with other people. i feel like thats genetic from my mom. she never does anything, and she doesnt have very many friends. i dont want to be fifty and rely on solely my husband for socialization. i really admire my sister. she fucking knows everyone in cincinnati. granted, she went to like 4 different highschools and just grew up with amazing amounts of people, but without her personality and just who she is, i dont think she could juggle as many friends and acquaintances as she does. she's really cool and everyone would love her if they met her.
anyway, going out tonight with lindsey. should be a lot of fun. i dont exactly know what we're doing, but, it'll be fun. tuesday is the read at the new bikehaus! should be an awesome show. aaaaaand maybe going to oxford next weekend to see my lovely eliza. i like having a packed schedule!
peace
school feels so easy right now; almost like a waste of time. i'm looking forward to winter quarter when things will be more challenging, and i'll feel more like a nursing student. i love that i'm actually in the program now. i've made friends. and for me thats a terribly exciting thing, friend making doesnt come very easily to me. i've never been able to explain it. but now, in the program, im in the same classes with all the other students, i see the same people in all of my classes. i'm stoked. i even have my own little posse now, if you can call it that. i feel included and a part of something bigger.
i also feel like i'm really coming into my own too. i'm working on moving out of my parents house (sweet!!!) and into my own space. i've always been a home body, finding stupid and mundane things to do around my house to prevent me from doing things out, with other people. i feel like thats genetic from my mom. she never does anything, and she doesnt have very many friends. i dont want to be fifty and rely on solely my husband for socialization. i really admire my sister. she fucking knows everyone in cincinnati. granted, she went to like 4 different highschools and just grew up with amazing amounts of people, but without her personality and just who she is, i dont think she could juggle as many friends and acquaintances as she does. she's really cool and everyone would love her if they met her.
anyway, going out tonight with lindsey. should be a lot of fun. i dont exactly know what we're doing, but, it'll be fun. tuesday is the read at the new bikehaus! should be an awesome show. aaaaaand maybe going to oxford next weekend to see my lovely eliza. i like having a packed schedule!
peace
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