20X

i want to stop being sad. i want the sun to come out. i want it to be warm. i want my skin to color from excessive exposure to said sun. until then, i want to sleep. i want to stay in bed. i want to eat my feelings. i want to scream and cry. i want to break every piece of glass in my apartment, or his, its semantics. i want to bleed. i want to slice my skin with a devastatingly sharp knife and watch the blood pool and drip according to the laws of gravity. i want to disappear.


fml

i'm quiet. a lot of things have happened and i'm still trying to absorb it all and figure out whether or not the events of this past week will have life-long implications. like i said, i'm at a loss. i know that i'm a strong willed individual. but i know that i hold things in quite often instead of discussing them and working through them. as strong willed as i am, i also have a terrible meekness that comes over me. i'm not even sure if meek is a good word for it. maybe "i lose the capability to think of appropriate adjectives and come up with clever quips in my defense" is a little closer to the truth. i freeze up. however, if i have the time, or take the time to do my research, to get my hypothetical notes together, then there is no chance to withstand my rants. i would make an excellent debater.

i need to sleep. i feel worn out. i'm tired of cleaning up the mess; both literally and figuratively.

work was awful tonight. too many servers, too few guests, too much drama. needless to say, i didnt make the money i wanted to make, or needed to make, this evening due to the boundless negative factors of tonight. so now here i am, sitting in front of my computer with fausto on my lap and his face hiding securely in my deep v neck shirt (he doesnt like the light in his precious little eyes when he's trying to sleep.) i should be studying calculus, that dreaded math to which i was actually looking forward to taking at the beginning of this autumn quarter. its funny how an awful professor can change all expectations and ruin something that one very well may have loved intensely. now, suppose if i had gotten a wonderful professor, one who knew how to explain concepts and theories, and explain them all in english; i quite possibly could have loved calculus so much that i went on to make it my life passion and found a mathematical cure for world hunger or something of the sort? just suppose...

anyway, looks like nick's dodged the bullet at work so far, but with the uncertainness that comes with working for the Wade's, i'm not sure this victory is long lasted. sometimes i wish i could just show people how stupid they are. but then again, someone out there is probably saying the same thing about me. i dont think of myself as being the smartest, highest evolved person living on this earth; that would adequately make me one of the more stupid individuals that walk this earth. however, i do think that sometimes i havent been polluted with some of the life experiences with which others have been polluted; say never having known what it is to actually work for instance, having too much money and too much time. the Wade's treat people like chess pieces. who will make them the most money? who will entertain them the best? who will be willing to completely sell themselves out simply because the Wade's asked them to? its a silly game of cat and mouse and because the Wades have money and the employment opportunities, people will do desperate things to make them happy, even if that means self degradation.

okay, my rant against current circumstances needs to end, i need to teach myself calculus and get my dog off my lap and drink a modello, the last flavor of summer.

I'm eating Chipotle, thus my dog has become the neediest puppy of all trying to get a nibble of rice, beans and chicken. He's very proud of himself for learning how to stick his paws down my shirt so that I'm exposed and for learning how to jump on my lap from the ground. I just never know when I'm going to be attacked by the speedy, eight-pound monster that is Fausto. Now, I call him a monster, but in reality, he's a very sweet dog that keeps me company when no one wants to do anything and Nick is at work. He's also very good at keeping the floor clean from food particles that may attract pesky ants.
I never realized how long I've been at UC until I got the email a few days ago telling me that my early registration for next quarter was available on the 25. I'm a fourth year sophomore, due to changing my mind a time or two and wasting time on unnecessary classes. But, as I was saying, I have the earliest early registration date. By now, I probably have accrued about 160+ credit hours. I'm fairly happy with my schedule for the winter quarter, although I would love my Digital Photography class to not be at 8 am. However disdainful the time slot, I'm still exited to be taking a fine arts class, especially one that will inform me on the usage of my Nikon D-40, which I've had since my high school graduation and have only been able to putter around with. This class is going to open up a wide variety of photographic opportunities for me. Yay! On the other end of the spectrum though, my 5 credit hour financial accounting class is going to take some real effort to be interesting. I hope that it's easy enough to stay focused next quarter. i'm only taking 4 classes, but its still 15 credit hours. Blah blah blah. Sorry to bore.
In other news, I bought my very first pair of Frye boots yesterday morning. Words cannot describe how excited I am; I've been waiting to finally be able to afford them and to begin building a wardrobe that I'll have for the rest of my life. They should arrive in the mail on Wednesday or Thursday; my fingers are crossed for Wednesday though, because I don't work and will be able to wear them all day! So what... I'm easily amused.

fucked

today has been a pretty productive day. as i sit at my desk (i suppose technically its nick's, but thats semantics at this point) fausto is groaning while in attempt to get comfortable on my lap, some neighborhood kids are screaming in the community garden and on the basketball courts, and i am just starting to feel the food coma from tofu pad thai setting in. i have two exams to study for, but i'm not really in the mood for microeconomics or calculus at the moment. my homework for my spitefully early 8 am class tomorrow is finished, so, for the moment, i am caught up. the only thing that could make this afternoon, scratch that, this day, any better, would be if the terribly rude seller on half.com would kindly give me my money back so i can actually buy my book for the quarter.

backstory

this is where i revamp this blog and attempt to start anew, but with all my old content intact. a fresh start, with some archaic history (previous postings and such.)


my name is micah, and we'll just leave that at that.
i have aspirations, hopes, goals and dreams, just like every red blooded human. to be heard is one of those aspirations. this desire to be heard is not stemmed from any thought that what i have to say is superior to anyone else's voice out there, nor is it rooted in any idea that it will one day make me famous and known. i just need to vent. and i believe that that is all my blog is; the idea of blogging into a global network for any reason, is really a reason to vent, to express your feelings without the repercussions of criticism to ones face or input from a second or third party. it is a way to express something raw and insightful into the mind of the writer without the awkwardness of expressing such things face to face with the same multitude of people that will now have access to this blog. whether that multitude finds its way to this humble little blog is another thing.
i simply want to express the way life is from my perspective; to have a way of remembering and sharing the good, the bad and the ridiculous. to live my life as i please and share it with the world to take as they please and to dissect as they will. this is me. and my life. and the snapshots of those who cross my path.

august

wow its been forever.
not that anyone cares.

starting a blog for fausto.
i hope i'm more disciplined with keeping it up.
which really shouldnt be a problem once classes start up again.
i've got one of those lovely schedules with a three hour gap right in the middle.
oh well, time to do calculus homework i suppose.

i'll post a link once i start the blog, which may not be for a minute.
nick and i are moving this week and i'm really just waiting for him to walk in the door so we can start moving things.

fausto is bored, wants to stand on top of my laptop,
eat my peewee herman button off my shorts,
and be the center of the universe.
he has hick-ups right now and is pissed that i'm laughing at him.

adieu