tired

i burried my grandmother this past tuesday, the 19th. she was hit by breast cancer for the second time in her great life and it moved to her brain. goddamn shit took her out in two weeks. i didnt get to say goodbye.
i didnt get to pull weeds for her in her garden one last time,
i didnt get to sleep on her god awful uncomfortable couch after watching a special on pbs with her.
i didnt get to attempt the new york times crossword puzzle with her.
i didnt get to see her as the strong and stubborn woman that she was before the cancer stole her eyesight from her.
i didnt get force fed lima beans and tomatos by her.
i didnt get to drink an ice cold orange soda from her fridge or try to learn how to knit for the billionth time.

even though she lived in kentucky, an hour and a half away from me, i miss her.
even though i didnt see her but 5 or 6 times a year, i miss her.
i took for granted the fact that she was always going to be there, invincible.

diane marie hebel clark was an amazing woman,
selfless and kind and loving.
she made sure her grand daughters were ladies, and her grandsons were gentlemen.

i'm glad she's in peace now and no longer in pain.

yesterday was a life changing day in my life.
i decided to change my major, so for the rest of the quarter i'm no longer in school.
i've never felt more free in my life.
i hated nursing.
i'm looking into business for the fall.

my existance and car were threatened by a crazy ex manager,
i think because he was jealous of my darling nicholas.
i dont like to be threatened.
dont fucking do it.

nick and i were haunted at grammers.
may 6th must have been an exciting day some time long long ago.
but the ghosts were very active.

my grandmother has breast cancer again.
she had it 30 years ago and got a double mastectomy.
now she's got it again and cytology has found cancer cells in her spinal fluid.
(shits spreading)
i'm stuck in cincinnati with no way to go visit her in lawrenceburg.
my radiator is cracked and i cant drive more than 1o miles before it freaks out.

its a ridiculous week.
its bitter sweet.
i'm worried