i love MGMT. its a new love. they seem to be able to ground me these past few days, when everything around me seems to be, well, chaotic. i suppose the real issue here is that i dont understand people sometimes. i do what i can to be the best that i can be, and its never fucking good enough. not for him, just like it isnt for my parents, or my highschool friends, or probably everyone i'm in constant contact with. i'm not naieve enough to think that this is a perfect world and that people are just going to love me for me, are going to understand all the intricate details of me, but its still upsetting when things go awry.
i dont mean to imply that i'm a great deal distressed at the moment. i am slightly, due to some decisions that i need to make fairly soon, for the health of my mind and body. but what i really hate here is how easily manipulated i can be sometimes. i am not down with manipulation. fuck it. and also, i just hate to hurt other people. and somehow, one way or another, i find myself in situations where i'm hurting people. fuck! i need a break from life, from cincinnati, from all of this.
but enough weirdly evasive ranting about something that no one will really understand unless they speak to me personally. i'm reading "blankets" right now, an illustrated novel by Craig Thompson. its beautiful. lovely story line that i can relate to. when i've finished reading it, i'll probably do a review or something. i feel like since i've been out of english classes my voabulary has decreased. i should write more. i think thats a fundamental reason why i started this stupid thing too. something to get me writting, expressing myself, blah blah blah. none of you care. there is no you. no one reads this. i feel stupid for talking to a nonexistant entity right now. :] but fuck it. eventually i'll make this public. not that there will be a huge following or anything. but like i said, fuck it.
i hope i get to work with cool people today.