Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Fever Dream

i'm seriously questioning so many damn things right now. its probably a lack of sleep coupled with stress and anxiety and a body recovering from some congestive bug. i know what i want on so many levels, but i fear that the odds in my favor are dwindling and i'll most likely walk away with nothing. i know school is important. but fuck it. i dont breathe this shit like everyone else in the damn program does.

i want to fall asleep and wake up at 11:00 am on a sunny summer morning and stretch out and just lay in bed for as long as i damn well please. the hum of insects in the air, a breeze blowing through the screened windows, the smell of bacon on the stove. the melodies of iron and wine playing on the record player somewhere out of my immediate vicinity. the wet nose of a puppy sniffing at my hand lying off the edge of the bed and a calico kitten stretched out in the sun next to me. hopefully by the time this time of my life comes around, i will have a body next to me, as contented to lie in bed as i am. but then, who's cooking the bacon?

i'm too much of an idealist and a romanticist. what the hell am i going into nursing for? its not like i could go to art school though. they wouldnt like me there. my art isnt a studio art. it cant be taught. i couldnt go for literature. i love to read but i couldnt go to school for it. writing. if i went to school for writing i'd end up hating it. photography would be lovely. but i feel like its one of those things that getting a degree in is useless. i'm not trying to be a millionaire. i want food and love and happiness and carefreeness. see. damn romanticisim. i should take more pictures. i think it might be good for my overall health. or do something that doesnt involve science or patients or hospitals.

its a bad day. i'll get over it. i always get over it.

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