say fuck the lemons and bail

this has been an interesting weekend to be sure. friday was great, until i got home of course. jerry and troy made the best goddamn pizza i've ever had in my life. saturday was my christmas work party. we like to procrastinate. after the party though there was the show at bikehaus, which turned out to be the best fun i've had all goddamn year, and beyond the scope of 2009, it was a pretty memorable night in my history. some stupid fuckers tried to start shit and that wasnt cool. but it was a fun night. i didn't go home, however, and just crashed on a couch. this in turn cost me my cell phone. fucking parents. i'm 18 goddamn years old, pay for school, for insurance, for gas, and they think that they can turn my phone off because i dont meet curfew. who the fuck still has a curfew? they're psychotic christian people that hate who i am because i dont read the bible and drop everything i'm doing to think "what would jesus do?" i'm terrible because i dont hang out with "respectable christian friends" all the goddamn time. i'm arrogant because i didnt want to drive drunk. i'm selfish because when i'm not working or in school, i dont want to be doing all the house work while everyone else in the house does shit. this isnt working. i need a new place. i need a me place. anyway, hopefully getting a new phone tomorrow. shitty that i cant keep my number, but i guess there's only a few people that regularly text or call me so the list of people needing the new number wont be very high. its one less thing they have on me.

my muscles are sore from a great deal of dancing and flailing. i'm supposed to do breakfast with my mom tomorrow because she thinks we need to talk. we dont need to talk. she wont listen to anything i say because she already has me written off as a failure who cant make decent decisions or be trusted with her own life. its my goddamn life, i'll do what the hell i want with it. and if i make mistakes, its part of the fucking learning process. my hair is getting long. i think i might cut it tomorrow with some clippers. the back sticks up funny. i look like a 12 year old boy when i towel dry it after a shower. and my bangs are poking me in the eyes. fuck. today i slept. i'm going to sleep after i finish reading "the fun home." its about lesbians. my mom thinks i'm a lesbian because i dont talk to her about boys. if i talked to her about boys she'd have to make sure they were christian and that they loved jesus more than air and that they would never think of touching their precious innocent little girl. they'd make him come over and play board games to "get to know the family" but they'd never aprove. because, i, i make the worst fucking decisions and need to be sent somewhere far away where other people can tell me who the fuck to be and how the fuck to act. my mother wants a robot.

Fever Dream

i'm seriously questioning so many damn things right now. its probably a lack of sleep coupled with stress and anxiety and a body recovering from some congestive bug. i know what i want on so many levels, but i fear that the odds in my favor are dwindling and i'll most likely walk away with nothing. i know school is important. but fuck it. i dont breathe this shit like everyone else in the damn program does.

i want to fall asleep and wake up at 11:00 am on a sunny summer morning and stretch out and just lay in bed for as long as i damn well please. the hum of insects in the air, a breeze blowing through the screened windows, the smell of bacon on the stove. the melodies of iron and wine playing on the record player somewhere out of my immediate vicinity. the wet nose of a puppy sniffing at my hand lying off the edge of the bed and a calico kitten stretched out in the sun next to me. hopefully by the time this time of my life comes around, i will have a body next to me, as contented to lie in bed as i am. but then, who's cooking the bacon?

i'm too much of an idealist and a romanticist. what the hell am i going into nursing for? its not like i could go to art school though. they wouldnt like me there. my art isnt a studio art. it cant be taught. i couldnt go for literature. i love to read but i couldnt go to school for it. writing. if i went to school for writing i'd end up hating it. photography would be lovely. but i feel like its one of those things that getting a degree in is useless. i'm not trying to be a millionaire. i want food and love and happiness and carefreeness. see. damn romanticisim. i should take more pictures. i think it might be good for my overall health. or do something that doesnt involve science or patients or hospitals.

its a bad day. i'll get over it. i always get over it.

my head is so full right now. full of snot and thoughts and questions and angst. its fine though, its totally fine. i'm making a conscious decision not to worry about shit that i shouldn't worry about this year. now, if only i could stop getting myself in situations where i worry about things and people that i have no right to worry about. fuck me.

i need to move out. if i have time with the millions of other things i need to get done (TB test = lame) i'll be looking for rad places tomorrow; unless someone wants to be roomies with me. that would be fantastic.

alright. lets give this whole nursing school thing another go shall we? i cant completely hate it already; can i?

200itsfine

200itsfine. it rhymes. like 200great, only better. because, contrary to last year, this year i'm going to make things happen. not in the cliche sense of the phrase. i'm not running for president or promising an end to world hunger or bigotry, i'm promising myself the right to stop hiding things from people. i'm such an addict to the postsecret blog and yet i've never sent in a secret. i've written a few but then life gets ahold of me and i dont have time to get to the post office to get a stamp. i feel like i need to let a lot of things off my chest, and here's a good place to start. primarily, becuase i know no one will really read this, and if they do, then the secrets out. i dont have to hide shit anymore. and really, the people that this will mainly be venting towards or about will never read it, they're too uninterested or preoccupied with other matters.

today was a good day. aside from this me being sick thing and having school thing. i got to hang out with patrice. or rather, get to know patrice. we smoked and watched twin peaks. that show is really great. i'm going crazy because i cant figure it all out. but then, i suppose thats half the fun.

i'm sick and dirty and tired as hell. i want to fall asleep now and probably will here in a minute after i lend myself to the small form of vanity of myspace pictures; rather, the uploading of new ones. i'm confued about things i never thought i'd be confused about. i'm not sure if i'm ever ever going to get what i want. words are a beautiful thing and can have a myriad o meanings. i just wish i knew if the words i hear now are ever going to ammount to anything, or if i'm wasting my time, dreaming about a phantom thats never going to be mine. wow i'm retarded. weed coma is setting in.

work tomorrow at 6:30 am. sweet. its fine.